I don't know why I thought I was the only teacher who gets stressed at the approach of the new school year. After working through to Friday 22 December, I predictably crashed completely by Boxing Day, and spent the next couple of weeks doing a lot of sleeping, reading books, and generally doing nothing.
2018 had been a particularly stressful year for me because I was coping with breast cancer. I worked part-time only in term one while I was having my weekly chemo, and full-time from the start of term two. Returning to full-time work so soon was not exactly out of choice, but more due to the fact that I had no sick leave left. I was still having three-weekly Herceptin treatments for the rest of the year, and my energy levels were very low as I recovered from the main chemo treatment. It was not a happy year for me or my students, who suffered from a very tired and grumpy teacher. The reality of teaching is that you can't be a good teacher if you are low on physical and emotional energy. I was in survival mode, and the year felt like hanging on the edge of a cliff by my fingertips.
Approaching 2019, I have had the all-clear healthwise, and my energy levels, while not really back to normal, are definitely approaching it. This is ERO year for our school, but even this additional stressor doesn't seem that bad compared to what I went through last year. I am actually looking forward to being in the classroom and having more energy for my students.
So why was it that on Thursday 17 January, the night before I went back to school for my first full day of paper shuffling post-Christmas, I woke up at 3am and lay staring at the ceiling for hours, thinking about the impossible list of things I had to achieve before school started, and cursing myself for having 'wasted' nearly four weeks relaxing and spending time with family, instead of work, work, working?
After some discussions with colleagues this week, I have come to the conclusion that this is 'normal'. Teacher A said they always get an upset stomach the night before school starts. Teacher B said that they dreamed they arrived to discover they were teaching a new programme and they were completely unprepared. Teacher C said that they were trying not to get stressed and let the job take over their life. Colleague D, who is now working in a different job, said that the best thing about no longer being a teacher is that they finish work at the end of the day and go home and relax, instead of having to work in the evenings.
The reality of this profession is that it never ends, there is always something more that we could be doing: marking, preparing, reading, reflecting, etc.
I have decided that my goal for this year is to try and set some boundaries around the ever-expanding nature of my job; to work on my 'work: life' balance. In fact, to try and achieve a balance, rather than the skewed workaholic existence I have lived for many years. Having cancer has at least had this benefit: having had my life threatened has given me a new appreciation of the fact that I need to 'get a life'. Yes, I want to be a better teacher than I was last year, and yes, I want to do my job well, but I also want to have a life.
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